Eleventh Risk - Get social

Date: Sunday, October 14^th, 2012

Risk: Counting the number of people I interact with for one day, and then increasing the number of people I talk to by three people for two days.

What’s to Gain? Making more connections, feeling more outgoing

What’s at Stake? Feeling disappointment if I don’t make the goal

Execution: The first day that I counted my interactions was a very social day for me, and I talked to 15 people. The second day I reached my goal and talked to 18 people. The third day, I talked to 7 people, though my goal was 21.

Analysis: The first day of this risk, I didn’t alter my social patterns at all and ended up talking to more people than I thought I would have. On the second day, I also quite easily talked to many people, but by the end of the day I hadn’t reached my quota so I decided to go out on the town. It was quite easy and exhilarating to talk to people that I wouldn’t normally have. In my mind I kept saying “Only __ more people to go!” and I was excited to see if I could reach the goal. On the third day however, I didn’t have anything planned and didn’t leave my house for most of the day. Finally in the evening, I went for a walk with my roommate to try to boost up my numbers, but only found three additional people to talk to. I think 21 was an overwhelming number for me, and I didn’t want to talk to people for just any reason (like asking for directions when I didn’t really need them, for example). Instead, I wanted to actually interact meaningfully with more people per day.

Although I didn’t reach my quota on the third day, I’ve realized something - This wasn’t a risk. This was a challenge. This was a desire to become more open to talking to people. For me risk is putting something at stake – doing something you’re not 100% comfortable with in order to gain something that you value. I didn’t really put anything at risk because I was 100% comfortable talking to everyone that I talked to! I’d like to do another risk involving interacting with more people, but I want there to be more at stake. I’m sure I’ll come up with something myself, but let me know if you have any ideas! I’d love to hear suggestions.

What is Risk Anyway?

Date: Tuesday, October 9^th, 2012

It has been about a month since I started this project on risk and performance anxiety, and quite a few questions have come up for me that I’d like to explore in this post. Mainly, I keep wondering a) what is risk? And b) what risks are good risks to take?

So what is risk? Wikipedia provided some insight:

Risk is “A situation involving exposure to danger” where “a choice having an influence on the outcome exists (or existed).” This implies that risks are closely tied to making decisions, where values and uncertainties are assessed in order to make the optimal choice. Risk assessment, however, can never be wholly objective, because of cognitive and cultural bias, as well as other factors. In terms of calculating risk, our limited minds cannot fathom the likelihood of some probablities, and so we think of them in disproportionate ways. For example, it is much more likely to be injured in a car accident rather than to be bitten by a shark, but people are generally more afraid of sharks than automobiles.

My personal definition of risk is (possible gain/value)X(what’s at stake).

The higher the stakes the more ‘risky’ the venture.

So that got me thinking – if I don’t want to put things such as personal health or the safety of others etc… at stake, what should I put at stake? After some thought, I’ve decided that the only thing that is really worth putting at stake is ego, or one’s vision of oneself. Of course, saying that I am only risking ego is oversimplifying all of the possible losses I might endure from putting ego at risk. For example, ego is connected to performance and confidence and demeanor and many other things, so by saying ‘ego’ I really mean all of the things connected to it as well.

My conclusion is that, from now on I want to ask myself - What do I want to do or gain, and how much am I willing to risk my ego?

Tenth Risk - Great Expectations 3 (Outbursts)

Date: Friday, October 5, 2012

**(This is the third in a three-part entry about a week of failed expectations)

Risk: Make a loud sound on the subway and run off (On-the-spot risk)

Purpose of Risk: To prove to myself that I could take risks. I know that I've been taking risks this whole semester, but I wanted to do something to restore my faith in myself, as I was feeling slightly incapable after my vocal lesson (see Great Expectations 2).

Execution: I didn’t do it. I kept counting down in my head – 3! 2! 1! – and then I would look up and quickly look down again. “Alright, try again” I would say to myself, knowing that this torturous process would continue until my final subway stop. Finally, as the last stop approached, I casually got up and started to sing a jazz standard without looking anyone in the eye. Though I did do something, it was nowhere near my expectation, and disappointment therefore ensued.

Analysis: What the heck? I experienced mild anger at myself after this risk. I couldn’t figure out why I was too scared to do this particular risk, as I’m sure I’ve actually done it before out of this context (There’s no question that I’ve been in a super-extroverted mood on the subway before). So why then, couldn’t I do it this time? And why am I so angry at myself? Logically, I know that although I didn’t meet my expectations, I will learn from the process regardless, but still, I’m angry. Maybe my expectations of myself were too specific. Maybe my vision of what I wanted to do was so specific that it prevented me from enjoying the fact that I did actually do some spontaneous singing on the subway. And maybe too, I set it up in the wrong way. Perhaps risks only work if you are doing them as an inquiry without attaching expectation, instead of doing them in a way which leaves little room for adaptation. Or maybe a better question to ask would be 'what is at stake in this risk, and that being known, am I willing to face the consequences if it doesn’t go my way?’

Ninth Risk - Great Expectations 2 (Rage)

Date: Friday, October 5^th, 2012

**(This is the second in a two-part entry about a week of failed expectations)

Risk: Yell in Rage (On-the-spot risk)

Purpose of Risk: Honour my rage in order to nurture myself

Execution: In a vocal lesson, I was asked to yell in rage at my teacher. It sounds easy, right? I found it not to be at all. My task was to simply act – get angry and yell as if I was really, honestly taking out all of my rage. And I couldn’t. What I did do was yell very meekly, and even as it was happening  it occurred to me that it sounded more like I was singing than really letting my anger out. In fact, said “I can’t” so many times that I’m sure I wore out the phrase. In the end, I started beating up a wall, which satisfied my teacher but left me a little disappointed. Why was I so afraid to take the risk of expressing my anger – even when I was asked to in a loving environment?

Analysis: This risk is different than all of the risks I have written about so far in this blog – it was unplanned and it required me to express myself in a totally uncontrolled fashion, without putting on a character (which is common in performers), and by showing my real emotion. And I was scared. It was a risk I couldn’t take. Unlike other performance experiences where performance anxiety forced me to cry and run offstage, I remained tearless. There was nowhere to run. 

The risk was simple -  another human asking me to really show myself, and yet, I felt paralyzed by this request. Why? Well, I’m realizing that what risk is about is being vulnerable. Risks are about taking the fear you experience and converting into the sacred energy that is behind you. Risks are about using fear as an energy source.

So why couldn’t I do that this time? – I honestly don’t know. 

Eighth Risk - Great Expectations (Body Awareness)

Date: Friday, October 5^th, 2012

**** (First in a 3 part entry)
This week I felt that I was totally off the mark with this independent study work. I attempted several different things and none of them went ‘well.’ I could hardly focus on the risks at hand or, alternatively, I couldn’t come up with the courage to go through with the risks. Have I failed? I don’t think so  - risks are almost by definition attempting things that you don’t think you can succeed at. However, it hasn’t been the most encouraging of weeks. I’ve detailed my experiences below.

Risks: Pay attention to the sensations in my stomach and head

Purpose of Risk: To experience the amazing meditative quality I experienced with my tongue awareness last week, but with a different body part.

Execution: When I started paying attention to my stomach, it became clear very quickly that having an awareness of my stomach would be much more difficult than my tongue. The reason? I have partial control over my tongue! It is easy to become aware of a body part that you can move, whereas thinking about the sensations of your stomach is almost a completely cerebral undertaking. I was originally very excited about keeping awareness on my stomach, because I know that I experience a lot of feeling there when I’m scared or angry or excited. But I’ve realized that other than dealing with emotional responses, my stomach doesn’t give me many cues at all. I can’t feel my stomach!

Once I really started putting focus on the elusive sensations in my belly, I became aware of my other often-ignored body parts, namely my head. Maybe it was because I was focussing so hard, but I started to be acutely aware of a headache. I decided midday to switch awareness from my stomach to my head in order to monitor this sensation. What I found, is though it seemed to be a brilliant idea at the time, the amount of concentrated focus needed to be aware of inner feelings proved to be too much for me. I hardly paid my head attention for more than 5 minutes for the rest of the day!

Analysis: Through my experience of focussing of body sensations, I’ve come to two conclusions:

1)      Being really in tune with your body is a skill that must be cultivated in the same way that we practise musical skills. You would never go to a new instrument or approach a new technique with the belief that you would be able to master it in a day, and the same applies for body awareness.

2)      Most of the time, I am not aware of my body, and this fact shocks me. I consider myself to be an intuitive person and I feel a lot through my body - I often can figure out what my emotions are based on different signals my body is giving me (for example, I feel a rapid rise of heat in my body at least several seconds before I consciously realize that I am angry). That being said, I am sure now that I am missing most, if not all, of the more nuanced signals that my body is relaying. I might feel intense hatred in my body easily, but what about mild disgust? I can only imagine how being more aware of these small bodily reactions could help me in making decisions in my life.

Check out my next post “Great Expectations (Rage and Outbursts)” for the second post about this week’s ‘failures.’

Seventh Risk - Tongue Games :p

Date: Friday, September 29^th, 2012

Risk: Bring awareness to my tongue today

Purpose of Risk: To notice my tongue and observe how often my focus stays on it, how often my focus is off it, and what brings my focus back to it.

Execution: I’ve never paid so much attention to my tongue in my life. While I was on the subway, while in the elevator, and while eating, I found myself feeling and thinking about this large muscle with more attention than I’ve ever paid it before. One of the reasons I was reluctant to take this particular risk on was that I knew it was impossible! There is simply no way that I would be able to put my entire focus onto my tongue for one whole day, especially during a day that I had class and many other commitments going on. What is the point of taking on a risk that is impossible? (I’m smiling as I remember thinking that now). Let me tell you, if you have a mind that can sometimes take control of you, or if you ever want to get away from a negative thought, say hello to your tongue. I’ve realized that bringing 100%, uncompromised attention to your body has the ability to give you complete peace of mind. The sensations in your body are like old friends that are always there for you. No matter what the day brings and no matter what thoughts are trying to take control of you, your body is there for you in the most comforting, literally supportive way possible. What my tongue experiment boils down to is this: I don’t know exactly what took my thoughts away from my chosen focus or even what brought them back, but I do know that every time I was aware of my tongue I felt safe, and that is a risk worth taking.

Analysis: I started this risk a little bit reluctantly  - awareness of self on a seemingly small scale was not what I had in mind when I started this project. I was picturing myself putting on a huge show, performing to the highest degree of my ability and bearing my soul publicly in an artistic way. I was picturing myself hiding behind the curtain of the stage, body trembling as I anticipated my performance. And I was picturing running off stage, bursting into tears, proud of myself for what I accomplished and pondering how to accurately capture my analysis of the anxiety I had just experienced. However, in my discussions with Casey, I started to realize that maybe the reason I have experienced such a high level of performance anxiety in the past is due to the lack of awareness in myself about how I view risk in general; I view risk as a big performance that literally takes all of the courage you can muster and only lasts for a fleeting moment. Maybe my belief that risk equals a huge burst of boldness, rather than a sustained perspective and continued awareness of opportunity, is the very reason that I find big risks hard to take and why I have taken them infrequently!

            I’m not sure exactly what the future of the project holds for me, but my view of risk is already changing dramatically. What is risk? Today I conclude that risk has much more to do with sustained awareness than I ever would have imagined. Questions? Please comment!