Date: Friday, October 5th, 2012
**(This is the second in a two-part entry about a week of failed
expectations)
Risk: Yell in Rage (On-the-spot risk)
Purpose of Risk: Honour my rage in order to nurture myself
Execution: In a vocal lesson, I was asked to yell in rage at my
teacher. It sounds easy, right? I found it not to be at all. My task was to
simply act – get angry and yell as if I was really, honestly taking out all of
my rage. And I couldn’t. What I did do was yell very meekly, and even as it was
happening it occurred to me that it sounded more like I was singing than really letting my anger out. In fact, said “I can’t”
so many times that I’m sure I wore out the phrase. In the end, I started
beating up a wall, which satisfied my teacher but left me a little
disappointed. Why was I so afraid to take the risk of expressing my anger –
even when I was asked to in a loving environment?
Analysis: This risk is different than all of the risks I have written
about so far in this blog – it was unplanned and it required me to express
myself in a totally uncontrolled fashion, without putting on a character (which
is common in performers), and by showing my real emotion. And I was scared. It
was a risk I couldn’t take. Unlike other performance experiences where
performance anxiety forced me to cry and run offstage, I remained tearless.
There was nowhere to run.
The risk was simple - another human asking me to really show myself,
and yet, I felt paralyzed by this request. Why? Well, I’m realizing that what risk is
about is being vulnerable. Risks are about taking the fear you experience and converting into the sacred energy that is behind you. Risks are about using fear as
an energy source.
So why couldn’t I do that this time? – I honestly don’t know.
No comments:
Post a Comment