**** (First in a 3 part entry)
This week I felt that I was totally off the mark with this independent study work. I attempted several different things and none of them went ‘well.’ I could hardly focus on the risks at hand or, alternatively, I couldn’t come up with the courage to go through with the risks. Have I failed? I don’t think so - risks are almost by definition attempting things that you don’t think you can succeed at. However, it hasn’t been the most encouraging of weeks. I’ve detailed my experiences below.
This week I felt that I was totally off the mark with this independent study work. I attempted several different things and none of them went ‘well.’ I could hardly focus on the risks at hand or, alternatively, I couldn’t come up with the courage to go through with the risks. Have I failed? I don’t think so - risks are almost by definition attempting things that you don’t think you can succeed at. However, it hasn’t been the most encouraging of weeks. I’ve detailed my experiences below.
Risks: Pay attention to the sensations in my stomach and head
Purpose of Risk: To experience the amazing meditative quality I
experienced with my tongue awareness last week, but with a different body part.
Execution: When I started paying attention to my stomach, it became
clear very quickly that having an awareness of my stomach would be much more
difficult than my tongue. The reason? I have partial control over my tongue! It
is easy to become aware of a body part that you can move, whereas thinking
about the sensations of your stomach is almost a completely cerebral
undertaking. I was originally very excited about keeping awareness on my
stomach, because I know that I experience a lot of feeling there when I’m
scared or angry or excited. But I’ve realized that other than dealing with
emotional responses, my stomach doesn’t give me many cues at all. I can’t feel
my stomach!
Once I really started putting focus on the elusive sensations in my
belly, I became aware of my other often-ignored body parts, namely my head.
Maybe it was because I was focussing so hard, but I started to be acutely aware
of a headache. I decided midday to switch awareness from my stomach to my head
in order to monitor this sensation. What I found, is though it seemed to be a
brilliant idea at the time, the amount of concentrated focus needed to be aware
of inner feelings proved to be too much for me. I hardly paid my head attention
for more than 5 minutes for the rest of the day!
Analysis: Through my experience of focussing of body sensations, I’ve
come to two conclusions:
1)
Being really in tune with your body is a skill
that must be cultivated in the same way that we practise musical skills. You
would never go to a new instrument or approach a new technique with the belief
that you would be able to master it in a day, and the same applies for body
awareness.
2)
Most of the time, I am not aware of my body, and
this fact shocks me. I consider myself to be an intuitive person and I feel a lot
through my body - I often can figure out what my emotions are based on different
signals my body is giving me (for example, I feel a rapid rise of heat in my
body at least several seconds before I consciously realize that I am angry).
That being said, I am sure now that I am missing most, if not all, of the more
nuanced signals that my body is relaying. I might feel intense hatred in my
body easily, but what about mild disgust? I can only imagine how being more
aware of these small bodily reactions could help me in making decisions in my
life.
Check out my next post “Great Expectations (Rage and Outbursts)” for
the second post about this week’s ‘failures.’
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