Date: Friday, October 5, 2012
**(This is the third in a three-part entry about a week of failed
expectations)
Risk: Make a loud sound on the subway and run off (On-the-spot risk)
Purpose of Risk: To prove to myself that I could take risks. I know that I've been taking risks this whole semester, but I wanted to do something to restore my faith in myself, as I was
feeling slightly incapable after my vocal lesson (see Great Expectations 2).
Execution: I didn’t do it. I kept counting down in my head – 3! 2! 1! –
and then I would look up and quickly look down again. “Alright, try again” I
would say to myself, knowing that this torturous process would continue until
my final subway stop. Finally, as the last stop approached, I casually got up
and started to sing a jazz standard without looking anyone in the eye. Though I
did do something, it was nowhere near my expectation, and disappointment therefore
ensued.
Analysis: What the heck? I experienced mild anger at myself after this
risk. I couldn’t figure out why I was too scared to do this particular risk, as
I’m sure I’ve actually done it before out of this context (There’s no question
that I’ve been in a super-extroverted mood on the subway before). So why then,
couldn’t I do it this time? And why am I so angry at myself? Logically, I know that although I didn’t meet my expectations, I will
learn from the process regardless, but still, I’m angry. Maybe my expectations
of myself were too specific. Maybe my vision of what I wanted to do was so
specific that it prevented me from enjoying the fact that I did actually do
some spontaneous singing on the subway. And maybe too,
I set it up in the wrong way. Perhaps risks only work if you are doing them as
an inquiry without attaching expectation, instead of doing them in a way which
leaves little room for adaptation. Or maybe a better question to ask would be 'what is at stake in this risk, and that
being known, am I willing to face the consequences if it doesn’t go my way?’
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