Sixth Risk - Posture You Say?

Date: Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Risk: Being aware of and correcting my posture for one day

Purpose of Risk: To increase my overall awareness of posture and to see how difficult it is to maintain fabulous posture all day

Execution: I decided to start this risk at about 11:30am this morning while I was on the subway coming up to York. At first I didn’t find it difficult at all, but while I was on the bus I found that it was extremely taxing for me to keep my head on straight, literally! I realize that I often tilt my head to one side, and keeping myself from doing that has proven difficult. Then around 5pm, while I was talking to my roommate about this project, I realized that I had totally forgotten about my risk of the day. I straightened my posture and continue to as I write this.

Analysis: My biggest bodily realization is that I tilt my head quite a bit, the extent of which I wasn’t fully aware. But I’m also realizing how easily posture slips my mind. Even as I’m writing about posture, I start to slouch, tense my shoulders and tilt my head to one side. Also, one of the reasons I think I keep forgetting about it is that on some level I feel like it’s not as ‘worthy’ of a risk to be taking and paying attention to as another might be. I keep thinking that if my risk was more straightforward, and demanded a huge burst of energy all at once, it would be a ‘better’ risk than a risk of awareness. I think I’m putting risks that require outward bravado, rather than inward awareness on a higher pedestal. Is it that I care more about showing the world that I have courage rather than showing myself personally? Or do I just prefer the excitement of doing something big quickly rather than doing something small consistently?

Fifth Risk - Going Public!

Date: Monday, September 24, 2012

Risk: Publishing a Blog

Purpose of Risk: Casey and I decided that an appropriate risk to take for this project would be to share my process with the class – hence this blog! The risk is in the possibility of being totally vulnerable to my classmates.

Execution: Today I created this blog and posted all of the work I have done so far. I felt my perfectionism taking a bit of control as I changed fonts and colours and re-read my previous posts multiple times.

Analysis: I am feeling both liberated and scared as I post these entries. On the one hand, I’m very excited about this project and what it may lead to, and I feel like making it public gives me the extra bit of motivation I need to stay focused. On the other hand, I’m nervous that I may not come up with great risks and that everyone will know if I’m slacking! However, it all contributes to my experience in terms of putting my art and my work up for the world to see. With that being said, thank you for reading and see you soon! 

Fourth Risk - Femininty as Faith

Date: Saturday, September 22, 2012

Risk: Go on a first date and be in receiving mode instead of giving mode. (I.e. don’t be the one to fill in the silences, accept compliments graciously).

Purpose of Risk: I like the idea of ‘femininity as grace, reception and faith.’ I’ve been exploring the possibility of being more ‘feminine’ so that I may experience more ease. I feel that if I trust the universe and others and explore experiences without pushing for any specific outcome, I may feel more at peace, and have more fun.

Execution: While I was on the date I found myself pushing for specific outcomes constantly! Without thinking, I would fill silences and suggest things to do. I even realized that asking what we were going to do next or clarifying specific things was a way that I was being untrusting. The biggest example is that at one point I started giving my date options of what we could do in the area, and he just stopped me and said something like “Hey, why don’t you listen to my options?” I stopped myself and realized that I needed to focus back on my femininity risk!

Analysis: I think that giving up control of situations and letting things flow without a plan would be a very freeing skill to develop. I like the part of myself who is able to plan things really well and who likes making conversation, but I definitely think that the ability to cultivate faith and give up control is important too. It allows me to live with more ease, and give the other people in my life the chance to take the lead and plan things their way.

Third Risk - Silence

Date: Wednesday, September 19, 2012

Risk: Allow the person I just met on the bus to fill most/all silences in our conversation.

Purpose of Risk: I find myself rushing to fill silences in conversation, usually out of fear that I may appear boring and also because I have genuine curiousity about other people. I want to practice receiving and allowing other people to fill conversation.

Execution: As I was talking to the person I had just met on the bus, I felt extremely uncomfortable when there was silence. I had a huge urge to fill the space by asking a question or telling a story, but I stopped myself and allowed him to speak first. Whenever there was a silence that I was not filling, I looked away and fidgeted! I think the next step would be to be able to look very calmly at the person or away without feeling unease.

Analysis: I was surprised at how uneasy allowing for space in a conversation made me feel! Actually, when I sing in public I generally have the same problem – constant fidgeting and looking away, or laughing. I guess that it makes me uneasy when I feel that all eyes are on me. Maybe I feel uneasy when I perceive that I am expected to be entertaining?

Second Risk - Planned Risk?

Date: Monday, September 17, 2012.

           

I’m finding it hard to come up with risks to do! First of all, I’ve been sick and so I haven’t hardly left the house in the last few days, but also, the nature of risk is that it entails doing things you don’t normally do! And I’m finding it difficult of thinking of things I don’t normally do!

Risk: Writing a list of risks?

Purpose of Risk: Well in order to take risks I need to know what risks to take. I need to have some kind of purpose – I can’t just say “take a risk now!” and come up with a risk! Does planning a risk make it any less of a risk?

Execution:

Possible risks:

- Sing softly on the subway “lullaby of birdland”

- Point and smile at 3 strangers today

- Agree with everything everyone says for one day

- Sit on a bench downtown and say hello to everyone who passes by, try to 

  start conversations

- Go to a café with nothing to do and start a conversation with someone and 

  then leave

-  Focus on having perfect posture for one day

-  Improvise with a specific intention and ask my roommates for constructive \

  criticism

- Wear the craziest thing in my closet to school

Analysis:  I’m finding this list quite difficult! It’s hard to think of little risks to do every day. What I’ve decided is that although this list has given me ideas, perhaps dedicating a few minutes every morning to pick a risk for that day will be more beneficial. 

First Risk - Bike Breakdown

      Date:  Saturday, September 15, 2012

Risk: Make a big decision by myself – bike shopping

Purpose of Risk: I have been putting off buying a new bike after the one that had broke beyond repair.

Execution: Before even going to the bike shop, I’m experience a lot of anxiety. I am procrastinating even now by writing this journal! About two weeks ago, I had decided to go bike shopping in the morning, but procrastinated and delayed going by initiating a fight with my roommate and basically throwing a fit. Today I will take a risk and do this!

…After writing the above, I procrastinated even longer before actually going to the bike shop, but while I was there I met a very nice woman volunteer who talked me through all of the bikes and let me try them out. I started to get really anxious about making the decision, so I called my parents who both assured me that I was free to make whatever decision I wanted. They also said that it seemed like I didn’t want to take the bike today - So I left!

Analysis: I really didn’t expect to get so worked up over this decision, again. I was still on the verge of tears at one point, but because the woman was as absolutely non-threatening as possible, I was able to hold it together and make a decision – and I decided not to take the bike. Decision-making has been bringing up a lot of anxiety for me in the last year or two especially, which is the same time-frame that I’ve been feeling anxious about performing. It’s neat to make that connection, actually. Being put on the spot in a performance context is much the same as being put on the spot to make a large purchase – in each case there is no ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ answer, just a preference about how you want to handle the situation. What I want to explore is how to make these kind of decisions with less anxiety. Can I tune into how my body feels more? I think my intellectual approach of determining all the factors of a decision before hand has not worked for me. I’m excited to explore listening to my body and intuition more acutely in these types of situations.

Hello! (and Purpose of This Blog)

Objective: To take a series of risks, varying in size and style, in order to analyze my emotional and physiological responses such that I may better understand the nature of performance anxiety and artistic risk.

Secondary objective: To experience and welcome small scale risk into my daily life in order to create more opportunities for myself, as well as to increase my quality of life.